how to get your ex back

How to Get Your Ex Back: The Ultimate Guide Backed by Science

Knowing how to get your ex back is true power, but knowing how is only half the battle.

Executing the strategy is the hardest part.

This guide is meant to serve as the foundation on showing you how to execute that exact strategy: how to getting your ex back step-by-step. All the steps are covered in exhausting detail and concluded with action steps that you should take seriously.

Some part of this guide is interactive. In other words, I will ask you some questions and based on your answers, I’ll give you specific (and better) personalized advice about what you should do (general advice sucks).

In fact, my goal with this free guide is to make it better than anyone’s PAID scammy material.

May the force be with you.

Step 1: How to get your ex girlfriend back after a break up psychology

Let’s start with the brutal truth about getting your ex girlfriend back: You will likely act and use strategies that go against most of your inner DESIRES.

scared emoji

Let me guess. Right now, you probably…

  • Want to call or talk to your ex every MINUTE of everyday.
  • Want to feel happy and relaxed knowing your ex loves you.
  • Miss that love connection between you and your ex.

Sound familiar?

The reality is that to get your ex back, you can’t talk to them.

This is a strategy known as “No contact.”

My intuition is telling me that you probably heard or read about this somewhere in your Google or YouTube marathon search for how to get your ex back advice, right?

When I was in your shoes years ago, I remember reading this strategy for the first time and thinking, “What in the world?! This will never work. I NEED TO TELL HER HOW I FEEL!”

In fact, I did just that and guess what happened…it made it WORSE.

See, the no contact strategy is a psychological maneuver, not a physical one. You aren’t necessarily avoiding them. You are simply creating distance with them — on an emotional level.

Understanding this mental framework is critical to your success.

Here’s why that is:

When you CREATE SPACE between you and your ex, this is where ATTRACTION builds. You can’t attract them by suffocating them with attention, calling them all the time, or buying them gifts.

Imagine if someone was calling you constantly over and over, convincing you to meet with them. Would you be jumping for joy wanting to hang out with them?

HELL NO. Even if you did, it would be out of guilt, right?

By creating this space between you and your ex, you allow whatever negative emotions your ex has had towards you or towards the relationship to fade and this my friend, is key.

Still don’t get it?

Here’s an easy way to think about this:

Diamonds.

diamond

Have you ever wondered why diamonds are so valuable? Seriously, why are diamonds so much more expensive than any other stone?

Well, let me let you in on a little secret. it has nothing to do with the fact that they are shiny or pretty. I could walk down the street and find shiny rocks. No biggie.

It’s because diamonds are RARE.

So the formula of re-attraction is this: You + don’t talk to your ex = YOU BECOME RARE.

What’s rare becomes valuable. This is how you get your ex back.

Simply put, you must make yourself LESS AVAILABLE in order for your ex to miss you and realize your value.

This silence is how to get your ex back fast.

You see, the reason why your ex may not be returning your calls or texts is because they think you still want something from them.

You may want to know if they still care about you or love you, but if you remove this feeling that you want something from them, you remove their source of power.

That feeling you have inside that you are “chasing” them is a result of you giving them this power.

After going crazy calling or texting them 24/7 and then going silent, you stir up their curiosity.

And curiosity is the seed of attraction.

seed of attraction

What to do if it’s been a couple weeks since the break up

If it’s been a couple weeks since the break up, try your best to keep the silence going. My guess is that at this point you are VERY anxious to contact them, but you shouldn’t.

See, your ex needs to understand that it was their decision to let you go, and they need to feel the WEIGHT of that decision.

But if you just continue to talk to them about yada yada yada (Seinfeld reference), they won’t feel your presence is missing.They will think you are still interested and worse they will think YOU haven’t changed.

Here’s why:

By allowing them to feel the weight of their decision they will understand that they potentially made a big mistake.

You want them to feel the difficulty of the breakup just as much as you do, because then and ONLY then, they get to see how valuable you are.

If you are still around and they have decided that they don’t want to be with you, then you are allowing them to have their cake and eat it too.

Basically, you are allowing them to do WHATEVER they want.

While they are healing, moving on, potentially flirting with others, you are not. And you are putting yourself in a position to get hurt even more.

If it’s been a month or longer since the breakup

If you haven’t talked to your ex in a month or more, then there are a couple exceptions to the overall strategy.

First, understand that your ex has gotten used to not communicating with you and may have forgotten what that’s like to actually be dating you. This is normal and expected.

Second, don’t let others tell you that “it’s over” and that they have forgotten about you completely. If you were together and it meant something to them, then trust me when I say that it’s not easy to just forget about someone.

As you go through this guide, the strategies are the same whether you haven’t talked to your ex in a week or a few months, except the major difference is for you to lower your expectations.

You see, the BEST chance to control your own destiny is right after a break up and since in your case that hasn’t happened recently, you have to be careful and realistic.

One wrong move and it could be all over — for good.

Here’s what you do:

Live your life.

I know, I know. You are thinking, “What do you mean live my life?!”

My point is to focus on yourself and what you need. Take this time to stop and think about all the things you never got a chance to do. Enjoy the precious freedom you have on your side right now.

In addition to focusing on yourself, start dating & flirting with other people.

This serves two purposes:

  • Serves as a reality check to see and determine if you really want to try to get back together with your ex or is it just your ego that wants them back?
  • Helps you build confidence and realize that you can survive without them, which is tough for many people to internalize.

During this time, you have learned how to do things without them and moved on with your life.

They have done the same.

Action steps

  • Focus on yourself again and remember that THAT is the best way to gain momentum.
  • Change your ex’s name in your phone if you must to: DON’T TALK TO THEM, GO AWAY, UGLY DUCKLING, or whatever else helps you with your willpower.
  • Remember the diamond example when you find yourself forgetting why you need silence in the first place.
    Imagine what it would be like if you were them and YOU went silent, what would that do to you? Sometimes flipping the script like this helps you sink in the strategies.
  • Use this time to better yourself physically and emotionally. Join a gym, make a lifestyle change, compete in a marathon, travel, etc.

Step 1 is all about silence. Understanding the power of it and how it works. It can be a very good thing, but with silence you also need patience. That’s Step 2.

Step 2: Wait at least 3 weeks to contact your ex girlfriend

You should not contact your ex for at least 3 weeks after the break up.

I know what you are thinking, “WHY THOUGH WHY?”

The reason is because science tells us that’s how long it takes for new habits to form. Now you may have read or heard that habits take longer than 3 weeks to form and some do. But I’m not referring to habits such as going to the gym, eating healthy, etc.

I’m referring to a very specific habit: Mental habits.

“These, and many other commonly observed phenomena tend to show that it requires a minimum of about 21 days for an old mental image to dissolve and a new one to jell.”

maxwell maltz

– Maxwell Maltz a plastic surgeon in the 1950s

By waiting this long, you allow them to get over the old mental image they have of you. This will help them alleviate why they are upset or disagree with you about the relationship, and to remember ONLY THE GOOD.

Once the 3 weeks are up, this is when you can start taking baby steps to initiate conversation with your ex again. Now if you haven’t talked to your ex for more than 3 weeks already, the strategies still apply.

Your perspective is everything right now.

Let me give you an example:

When I first saw the trailer for the movie Jurassic Park, I was like, “HOLY MOLY! I WANT TO SEE THAT!”

But why?

Why did I want to see it so badly?

It’s because the trailer kept me WANTING MORE.

jurassic park

This is EXACTLY what you want to do with your ex when you re-initiate contact (I’ll give you word-for-word scripts on how to do this later).

You only want to give them short snippets of your time, just like a movie trailer. In addition, when you text or call them initially, you want to start off by clarifying you only have a couple minutes to talk, so that after a short conversation you can INITIATE and say that you have to get going.

This is the high level overview of how your interactions will begin once you start communicating again.

“If I don’t contact my ex girlfriend won’t she get a new boyfriend?”

Not necessarily. They are distant from you, did that push you into the arms of someone else?

See, it doesn’t work that way. The thought of you losing them because they don’t contact you back makes you want them even MORE.

Silence like you now know, is EXTREMELY powerful.

silence is the most powerful scream

Since most of us act needy or go crazy after a breakup, to show confidence is rare. You aren’t trying to make them jealous; you’re simply showing strength and bravery.

Likely, this is how you acted in the beginning of your interaction with them and why they were attracted to you in the first place.

You want them to feel the responsibility of their decision. This allows them to recognize how much they miss you and see how much more enjoyable you are than whoever else they are seeing.

thinking woman

“How do I use the no contact strategy when I work or live with my ex girlfriend?”

In this situation, you want to maintain a very professional exterior similar to how you would talk to a friend or coworker.

work with my ex

Believe it or not, this can actually put you at a very beneficial position since you can employ this behavior on a regular basis and they get to see the impact of it.

The goal: To be standoffish.

You aren’t rude. You don’t argue with them. You’re just standoffish.

You aren’t going out of your way to engage in conversation with them. You talk about what is necessary to talk about, but you do so in a friendly (and professional) manner.

A conversation with them may go something like this when they realize something is different about you:

EX: Why are you being like this?

YOU: Being like what? We were just talking.

EX: Yes, but you aren’t acting the same as before.

YOU: The same as what? Well, that’s not us anymore.

“What do I do if my ex contacts me during no contact?”

If they contact you during the 3 week period, you should ignore the first text no matter what, unless of course it’s an emergency or them begging you back.

This shows you are busy, not needy, not waiting to hear back from them, etc. It will be tempting to ignore that text, but that’s what I would recommend.

Now, if they text you AGAIN, then you may reply. Be short, pleasant, and to the point.

Let me give you an analogy:

Now, I don’t know about you but I’m not very neighborly. I’m friendly, but I don’t get excited to chit-chat with my neighbors about mundane topics.

“Hey John, your lawn looks great! Are you using the new Craftsman 3721 Turbo?”

I don’t do this. I walk outside my door, put my head down, get in my car and I’m out. OUT.

Here’s the thing though. If my neighbor DOES talk to me, how do you think I would act with them?

I’m short, positive, and pleasant. I’m not gonna ignore the guy. Why? Because it’s my neighbor and I live right next to this person. I want there to be peace and serenity.

Why would I want to create a weird dynamic between him and I. Instead I’m friendly and polite.

If you work with your ex, THIS IS THE ATTITUDE you exude.

Doing this once again puts their decision that they made right back in their lap so they can feel the impact of it.

See, so many times in a breakup guys act vindictive or upset about the breakup.

But, if you are being pleasant and standoffish you give off a totally different vibe. You are showing strength and once again, that arouses their curiosity.

Whoever has the most feeling and emotion invested in the relationship will subconsciously communicate that and thus push their partner away.

Action steps

  • Stay calm, be patient, and trust the system and science. You can read more about how long new habits form here.
  • When you are going through your break up, that’s cool if you want to ask a couple close homies for their opinion, but don’t ask for a million-gazillion opinions. This only makes your ex BIGGER in your mind and confuses strategies.
  • Make sure that during the 3 weeks you go out and have fun, take pictures, and enjoy your life. Remember, focusing on yourself actually makes you more attractive.

Step 2 was about patience and why you need it. So what do you do for the next 3 weeks while you are waiting? That’s Step 3.

Step 3: Get your ex girlfriend back by showing you have changed

While you are waiting to talk to your ex (go back to Step 2 if you forgot why that’s important), it’s SUPER important that you give yourself a makeover before you contact them again.

makeover

Right now… you are wounded whether you realize it or not, and we need to get you strong again before you actually re-initiate contact your ex.

Think of it this way:

Would a basketball player that injured their knee during the game keep playing? NO WAY. They need time to rest.

injured

They wait until they recover and are strong again, before putting themselves in that position, and so should you.

What you want to do is give the appearance that you are doing just fine. You are content with the breakup. You have accepted it and you are slowly moving on.

…BUT the key thing here is that you don’t say that you are moving on, you SHOW it, very, very slowly…

Actions > Words

Remember that.

I can’t tell you HOW IMPORTANT this is.

If you have social media, this is a PHENOMENAL way to give the impression that you are happy with your life and moving on.

Whether you have Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Myspace (that’s a joke), or another similar social media account, from now on, ONLY post positive and happy posts.

positive posts

None of this sappy down shit. Or quotes about love. You just sound needy, lame, and pity. Your ex wants a man, not a puppy. That’s a turn off, bro.

From the way we evolved as species women are drawn to the strongest men of the group, not the weakest.

Social media strategy

Now if you are thinking about making the attempt to post something that intentionally gets their attention on social media, I would caution you to not do that. Look, maybe just MAYBE you get a reaction from them, but that’s because they care about you, not because they WANT you.

Big Big BIG difference.

While posting, I would suggest to take extra caution and not to overdo it and intentionally make your ex jealous, because they will see right through it.

So don’t go overboard with party pics of you out with pretty girls poppin’ bottles. (1) You aren’t Dan Bilzerian and (2) you will just end up looking like a douchebag. If that’s you, stop reading this guide.

When you are posting positive posts properly, instantly they will notice that something is different about you. Not only will they notice this difference, it will be appealing to them.

Here’s how doing that works behind the scenes.

Let’s say you are at work and you have two co-workers: Susie & John.

susie john

Susie is butt-hurt that you didn’t return her call over the weekend and has been acting weird. She’s been distant, having short conversations, having weird behavior, etc.

John, on the other hand, is cool and always jolly. He doesn’t hold grudges or anger. He forgets about that stuff VERY quick (which is a great life rule by the way).

Which person would YOU rather be around? Susie or John?

John, of course. By human nature we are drawn to positive and happy people.

If you are still mad about the breakup, or bitter towards your ex, regardless of who is at fault, they will not be inclined to reach out and talk to you.

Why? It’s simple. You are negative energy.

But, if you portray a positive image, they will start to think, “Well, wait a second, they look peaceful.”

Would you rather be around someone that is peaceful and happy, or someone that is sad and upset at you?

Remember, at one point, your ex was very attracted to you, couldn’t get their hands off of you, was calling you all of the time, etc., however, that eventually went away.

But, we know that because it was there initially, it has the potential to be there again.

Another point that’s very important to remember is that you need to SHOW you have changed, not TELL them you changed. It’s much more impactful if they see it on their own, than if you flat-out tell them.

Don’t believe me?

For more information on why this works, 48-Laws-of-Power-Law from one of my favorite books of all time, 48 Laws of Power. It’s about 3 pages, but worth the read.

48 laws of power

Action steps

  • Change your social media cover photo to a happy picture of yourself and preferably a new picture.
  • Change your outgoing voicemail to a happy, pleasant message, because subconsciously when someone hears it they will think, “Wow, he or she sounds happy.”

Step 3 was all about having a makeover which is a great opportunity to look at your break up as a blessing in disguise. Something else that would really help is getting yourself occupied with other things in your life. That’s Step 4.

Step 4: Get her back by distracting yourself

The mind is incredibly powerful.

If you have the correct mindset, then undoubtedly you and your ex have a good chance to get back together.

Because, in reality, it doesn’t matter if you get some of the words wrong or make a mistake along the way. Attraction is intangible.

My gut is telling me that since the relationship started going downhill, you probably haven’t acted like yourself.

You probably haven’t been the charming and confident you. Instead, you have probably been a little bit off, and that’s unattractive.

Distracting yourself is changing how you are now, to how you were when your ex was attracted to you in the BEGINNING.

Meditating, yoga, going for a run, etc., are all a great way to relax and get your emotions in control.

There are a ton of tools online and plenty of YouTube videos that you can use to your advantage. Do them. Add them to your calendar. Take it seriously.

View your break up as an opportunity to better your life and your health.

This is the first step in trying to create a new relationship with your ex that is healthy and happy again, because your old relationship was broken, and you didn’t want that connection with them anyway.

You want a NEW connection.

Plus, if you can’t make yourself happy, you will fail at making someone else happy. That’s just a fact.

Next, I want you to call up your best friend, whoever they are, and tell them that you need them for the next 3 weeks.

Outside of this person, you will portray the image we discussed in Step 3, but around this person you can fall apart if you need to. Not only will most other people notice you are positive, but it will show that you are strong and that multiplies quickly.

Lastly, work on improving your confidence. People are attracted to others with ambition. Find a new hobby or passion that you genuinely enjoy so that when you do see your ex again, you can talk to them about this new goal you have.

That’s attractive. That’s different.

This also gives you something to talk about with your ex when you see them and suggests you haven’t been just sitting around waiting for them.

By allowing yourself to get your mind off of your ex, you are making yourself more appealing and thus more attractive. Sitting around looking in the past or dwelling on things you can’t control will only result in you driving yourself crazy.

You can’t control what happened so use TODAY, as the new starting point.

THE LAW OF CONTROL

“Control what you can control and fuck everything else.” -Payam

Yes, I just quoted myself. Fucks given? None.

Seriously though, what happened in the past is done. Start now to create the new you.

My ex is hanging out with another guy

It doesn’t matter who your ex hangs out with or is in contact with right now, because it’s out of your control. We know the difference between a sad person and one that is confident and ambitious.

Which one makes you want to be around them more?

People have a tendency to rally around those that have ambition so find a new passion and do your best to stay occupied.

mind over matter

Action steps

  • Work on your passions and embrace them. Take this extra time and put it to good use as best as you can.
  • Keep your mind healthy. Mind over matter was coined for a reason, so make sure to take care of your mental health just as much as you are taking care of the physical.

Step 4 was about distracting yourself and getting your mind to reset. Now what do you do if your ex has already moved on? That’s Step 5.

Step 5: How to get your ex back when she has moved on

Were you and your ex together less than 6 months OR more than 6 months?

Add interactive link

Less than 6 months

If you guys were together for less than 6 months, then it’s possible that strong enough emotions were not developed. This is ok.

All this means is that you have to be EXTRA cautious during this process, because their attachment level may not be as strong as yours is and you have to respect that.

Here’s why:

Emotions come with time, and there are plenty of factors that determine how long that can take. If you know for certain that your ex had emotions for you, then that’s great.

If you are on the fence for whatever reason, then it is possible that not enough time passed. Again, this is fine, we just need to put you in the position to stir up their curiosity, which if you have read this far is the golden ticket to success.

golden-ticket

In fact, if you get a lot of this stuff wrong, but somehow stir up her curiosity, you are on a solid start. The more of it you can create the better your chances are in getting their attention.

If you stay predictable and the same guy you were, then there’s nothing to be curious about. They already know everything about you.

It’s like eating the same cereal everyday. Boring.

Action steps

  • Stay unpredictable to arouse curiosity.
  • Watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory (kidding, unless of course you like that movie as much as I do).
  • Use this time to reset and become a better version of yourself.

More than 6 months

If it’s been more than 6 months that the two of you were dating, then likely some strong feelings were developed and you will have a higher chance of hearing from them.

However, be aware of a ROLLER COASTER of emotions.

roller-coaster

You may try to predict their every move and envision what they will do next, but this will trap you in what I call: The circle of the unknown.

Here’s why it matters:

Predicting their every behavior will LIKELY do more harm than good, and in reality, you can’t possibly know what another human is really thinking. (Can you read their body language? Yes you can and I’ll get to that later.)

When you find yourself asking your friends what they should do or posting questions on reddit, then it’s time to stop and breathe.

This may sound counter-intuitive, but how can some schmuck on the internet know what in the world your ex is thinking? You are putting your faith and relationship in the hands of some boy on Reddit with the username: MikeCheeseSauce1515?

Listen, fuck Mike. He doesn’t know shit.

Action steps

  • Avoid “The circle of the unknown” at all costs.
  • If you find yourself emotionally unstable, do not contact them. Remember that your ex WANTS someone that is strong. Someone that can live without them. It’s in your best interest to keep that up.

Step 5 was about what to do if your ex has moved on. Now, through this entire process my goal is to tell you what you should do, but there’s also mistakes you can’t make along the way. That’s Step 6.

Step 6: Mistakes to avoid if you want your ex back

I can’t tell you how many emails I get of people saying: What do I do if _______?

EVERY decision you make right now is very important. I don’t know you or your relationship, but what I do know is that there are common mistakes that MUST be avoided.

If you have made one of these mistakes, that’s ok, just do your best to avoid making the same mistake twice. In other words, if you get fooled once don’t get fooled again.

Here are the top 3 mistakes:

The breakup letter

I have no idea why or who created this strategy, but it’s dumb.

Let me get this straight, you are supposed to agree with them that the breakup was good? And that you are cool with it?

Notice how after a breakup you spend SO MUCH TIME trying to get another person’s attention, and then all of a sudden, you tell them you agree? And it’s a good idea?

Would you believe that? Umm…of course not.

This strategy doesn’t last. The reason is because it’s an incongruent behavior. In other words, you don’t sound like YOU.

Here’s why:

  1. You are changing on a dime based on your ex’s decision. Which frankly, really comes off across as a last minute attempt to manipulate your ex.
  2. It lowers the value of your word to them and makes you lose credibility.
  3. It damages your trust in your ex’s eyes and it doesn’t put you guys square on the same page.

Now, if you have sent the letter because MikeCheeseSauce1515 told you to, don’t sweat it, but know that you want to establish trust and you want your words to matter and not be taken for granted.

EVEN if your ex decides to give it another shot, my guess is that it won’t last because your behavior was needy.

Writing a detailed love letter in general IS NEEDY.

Think about it. You take the time, the thought, the preparation to write something while they are just chillin’ marinating on Instagram?

They know you WANT THEM ALREADY!

They need to know that you are UNSURE ABOUT THEM.

People are drawn to those they can’t figure out. Be un-figureoutable. That’s not even a word, but who cares I just made it up, because this is my blog and fuck it, let’s just roll with it.

You get the point.

Jealousy tactics

Hanging out consistently with someone new and TRYING to get your ex’s attention can backfire easily.

There is a fine line between someone coming onto you, and you intentionally trying to hurt your ex by making them jealous.

People always say, “Well..well…WHAT IF take a photo with some HOT girl and post it on Snapchat! Dang Payam, she’s gonna REALLY want me then, right!”

My thoughts: It depends.

Could it create a temporary spark and reaction, sure. But the RISK you take to create jealousy is a weak one in my opinion. It shows you are going out of your WAY to get their attention.

How do you think that looks?

Yup, needy. Just don’t.

Analyzing their social media

“My ex posted XYZ about 123!?”

“What does it MEAN, PAYAM????”

How in the WORLD am I supposed to know what it means? I’m just some dude who wrote this stuff, not a fortune teller.

I don’t even remember what I ate for breakfast today, you want me to tell you what your ex wants? C’mon.

Anyone who tells you THEY KNOW what they are thinking, should get a reward for first class, HALL-OF-FAME type bullshitting. Period.

In fact, you see this non-sense all the type in Google. Just type in: how to get your ex back.

What do you see?

Clickbait words like: How to Get Your Ex Back Guaranteed, Get Your Ex Back Permanently, Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back Forever, How to Get Your Ex Back Quiz.

Hint: There’s nothing guaranteed or permanent about any of this. In fact, if you are looking for answers like that you are reading the wrong guide.

Are these the type of folks you want to get genuine advice from? Food for thought.

It’s impossible to know what someone else is thinking by their social media, so analyzing their profile consistently won’t do you any good.

Guess what, we don’t know ourselves what we are thinking at times.

Thus, trying to find out how others feel is pointless and a waste of energy. Apply The Law of Control.

The only thing it will do is cause you to lose focus of your game plan and result in you making an impulsive and emotionally based decisions that could be costly.

Do you really think that your ex is over you? Highly unlikely. But I bet for many of you they are attempting to appear this way.

Why?

Well, because they want to APPEAR as if they are fine and have moved on. Now isn’t how they are acting just making you desire them even more?

Showing anger toward the person your ex is hanging out with, or anger about how they are acting, even if you feel disrespected, will only push you further away from them.

It’s psychology 101, fellas.

Action steps

  • Delete the social media apps from your phone if you need to take a break and find yourself lacking willpower.
  • Avoid anything that reminds you of your ex as best as you can.

Step 6 was about mistakes that you must avoid. What do you do though if she’s already with another guy? That’s Step 7.

Step 7: How to get your ex girlfriend back from another guy

Is your ex girlfriend dating someone else: Yes, no, or fuck I’m not really sure?

Yes

Ok, first realize that whoever they are, they are more than likely a rebound.

“What’s a rebound?”

A rebound, by definition, is anyone your ex uses to push themselves onto right away after they have broken up with you, to help them heal.

Here’s why:

They miss you.

Even if your ex and this new person are intimate, it’s only because she is trying to get to the SAME level of intimacy that they had — with you — to get over you.

Rebounds rarely last, and they are typically temporary for this exact reason.

Plus, this new person isn’t you. Although they may have certain qualities that your ex enjoys, they won’t be you. If you combine that with the fact that you have given the appearance of moving on and are doing well, they will notice this. It’s like mixing two chemicals together and creating the ultimate high.

No one can resist it. No one can resist you.

“What do I do if my ex tells me they want me, but they’re still talking to someone else?”

They want to take their time while keeping you on a leash and deciding what’s best for them and their future.

If they want to talk to someone else on the side, then you talk to someone on the side. How can they be upset at you for doing something that they themselves are doing?

Treat others the way that they treat you and you will see GREAT improvement.

In addition, be a lot less interested to see if they are interested.

If they tell you, “I need to find myself, I want to be alone,” what they are really saying is that they aren’t convinced that they should be with you.

Make sense?

Action steps

  • Take your ex off a pedestal. Stop imagining them as this PERFECT person not capable of making a mistake or acting fake towards you. It happens ALL THE TIME.
  • Mirror their actions by being as enthusiastic as they are for the most part.

No

If they aren’t talking to anyone (that you know of), then don’t be surprised if your ex contacts you within the 3 week period.

Since they don’t have any additional distraction to deal with, their mind is more than occupied with thinking about your relationship with them.

Here’s why:

With no one to replace you and fill your presence, their mind will be more occupied with what YOU ARE doing.

They will be constantly asking themselves questions like:

  • Who are they with?
  • What are they doing?
  • Why didn’t they text or call me?
  • Do they feel the same?
  • Aren’t they wondering what I’m doing?

Your silence is a lot stronger when there is no distraction.

Action steps

  • Enjoy your freedom while you have it and stay silent.
  • As tempted as it still may be to reach out to them during no contact, I would highly advise you to not do it.

Fuck, I’m not really sure if they are dating someone else

In this scenario, since you don’t know what they are doing, you should hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

That doesn’t mean you act out of revenge and try to find a new partner. it means that by having ZERO expectations, you become bulletproof.

Here’s why:

If you don’t have expectations, then you don’t expect anything and therefore can’t be hurt.

So pretend they are seeing someone new, and that they are slightly interested in someone else.

This will allow you to stay on your toes and make sure you carefully plan every interaction and response with them along the way.

More than likely they are in contact with someone new, but just accept that fact and don’t let it bother you.

If you continuously look at every detail for a sign of life when you can’t possibly know what is going on, then you are putting yourself in a position to EXPECT more.

If you somehow happen to talk to them, don’t ask them if they are dating someone UNLESS they ask you first. Remember, you are mirroring them.

If you ask her if she’s dating someone new, you come off insecure (and are in effect insecure).

Action steps

  • Don’t look for hints or struggle to find out.
  • Avoid being a social media stalker.

Step 7 was about what to do if they are already talking to another guy. Sometimes though we need to maneuver our strategy based on how the break up happened. Did she end it? Did you? We’ll cover that in next in Step 8.

Step 8: How to get your ex girlfriend back after a breakup?

How did the breakup happen? Was it mutual, bad terms, did she end it, or did someone cheat?

It was mutual

If you ended on good terms, that may be a VERY GOOD THING and it can put you in the driver’s seat, which puts you back in control – if you act correctly.

See, what you need to understand is that many relationships that end on good terms can quickly put your ex in in power, if you don’t change your behavior.

You want to be aware that your ex may still contact you again to talk, catch up, etc.

You can’t allow this.

You must show that there’s a difference between you as a boyfriend and you as a non-boyfriend.

Because if you don’t, then you are effectively being their boyfriend for free.

It’s like going to Starbucks, not ordering coffee and using their wi-fi for free. Sure you can do that, but it’s a jerk move.

In other words, if you continue to be their boyfriend for free hoping they take you back, they are indirectly losing respect for you. Would you date someone you did not respect? Naw. Hell naw.

They don’t have an obligation to you, but can call and talk to you whenever they want because you are there and convenient for them.

Hanging around waiting for them to make up their mind is a MAJOR TURN OFF.

Here’s why it works:

If they meet someone new, and that person doesn’t have your certain qualities, they will constantly remember the good about you and your relationship.

Remember that if you both ended on good terms and decided that this “is for the best,” that’s fine, but you can’t stay in contact like you did before or you will really damage yourself and your chances.

Action steps

  • This is a good thing on your side, but you have to maintain discipline.
  • If they ask you questions, mirror them.

On bad terms

This is ok. It doesn’t matter if you got in a big fight or what the topic was, but you must remain calm.

We, as humans, are very naturally forgiving. When you get into a fight with your friends or parents, you probably need to get some space before you can talk to them again, and by that time neither of you feel as much anger as you did originally.

time-heals

The lesson is this: Change their mood, not their mind.

If you stick around even after things ended on bad terms, then your ex will think you are the same person, and that nothing has changed in your relationship and interaction with them.

By having space, you create attraction again in a new light and allow your ex to MISS YOU and get over their anger.

You can’t expect your ex to think you are different by talking to them constantly or convincing them you have changed.

This isn’t a sales product.

sales product

Let me explain why you can’t convince your ex:

Have you ever tried to fall asleep? When you TRY HARDER, it only seems to take you longer, right?

hard to sleep

This is similar to getting your ex back.

dale carnegie book

We don’t ever really change our minds because someone convinces or pressures us. In fact, Dale Carnegie, the author of How to Win Friends & Influence People once said:

“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

You can attempt to convince your ex to get back with you, tell them how much you love them, or how great it would be to be back together. Maybe you have done this already?

Yet, doesn’t it seem that no matter what you tell them, you only seem to be pushing them farther and farther away from you?

Then you end up doing something stupid like begging or buying flowers from Roseshire.

begging

It just doesn’t work that way.

Action steps

  • Let go of any anger you have towards them or the relationship. Remind yourself that anger or negativity will only hurt your chances.
  • Pretend it’s a new relationship you want to recreate, because in reality it is.

She ended it

When you are in a great relationship, it can be difficult when it suddenly ends. Especially if you are not the one that wanted it to end in the first place.

Perhaps the relationship ended because:

  • Your other half had to move for work or school
  • Maybe it was their family or friends didn’t like you
  • There was a religious barrier
  • They met someone new
  • Some other reason

Meh, it really doesn’t matter.

You could have broken up because you disagree on what kind of cookies to eat after dinner, the strategy we will use is the same.

And that is to PULL BACK.

What I mean is that you should:

  • Not be as available
  • Delay your responses
  • Be short in your texts
  • Be proactive, not reactive

Where most guys mess up (not you since you are reading this) is that they TELL their ex they will be distant. Wrong.

The secret to pulling back is to pull back and let them FEEL IT.

Many people make the common mistake of actually telling their ex that maybe they shouldn’t talk for a couple weeks and THEN pull back for a couple weeks.

This is incorrect.

They will say things like, “Let’s try not talking for 2 weeks and see how we both feel, ok?”

You know what’s MUCH MORE POWERFUL?

To just pull back…with no warning.

You need to pull back and have them feel it on a psychological level. Warning them that you are going to pull back does not have the same effect because they are prepared for it. Understand?

The only way your ex will REALIZE your value is if you aren’t there. You can’t hang around, cross your fingers, and HOPE that they will come back.

They come, when you go. It’s backwards.

Since they ended it and you already attempted to make it work, guess what? They have the ball in their court. In other words, they have the power.

Action steps

  • Respect is the ultimate currency. Do you want to be with someone whom you have to beg for?
  • If they contact you, you have a great chance to shift the power.
    Pull back immediately.

Someone cheated

If you cheated and that is the reason your relationship ended, then you obviously made a mistake and need to realize that your ex is probably using that as closure.

The only suggestion that I have if you cheated is to apologize, own up to your mistake, and have the strength to move on.

We explain exactly how to do this later in the program.

If your ex cheated on you, then the first thing you should ask yourself is if you can trust your ex again.

I don’t believe that anyone is worth pursuing if you can’t trust them, but that’s your call.

Look, people make mistakes and things happen, but every situation is different and you are the best person to know whether or not it’s worth pursuing. I can’t tell you what the right decision is here.

In my opinion, if you are going to go through with this, that’s cool, but I would recommend that you forgive and forget what happened. If you need to discuss it once to get it out of your system, that’s cool with me, but do it and move on from that subject.

It’s in the past now and you really have two choices:

  1. Pretend it never happened and move on
  2. Move on without them

Cheating is a HIGHLY sensitive and very serious topic. Whether you cheated or got cheated on, the biggest question you need to ask yourself is if you can pick up the pieces, realize what happened is now in the past, and try to move forward.

No matter who is at fault, don’t dwell on it since it does neither party any good. It isn’t easy and it does take time.

Action steps

  • You have to let this go regardless of who is at fault.
  • Either party holding anger is negative energy and no one wants to get back into a negative relationship.

Step 8 was about dissecting the strategy based on how your relationship ended. Step 9 is about the psychology of attraction which is paramount. That’s next.

Step 9: How to get your ex girlfriend back fast and regain true love strategy

It doesn’t matter what the circumstances of your relationship are, we as humans want what we can’t have.

When you met your ex, you both had a spark and liked each other, and then… something happened along the way.

Now that they are gone, and you can’t have them, you find yourself thinking:

  • Are they the one?”
  • They are so perfect.
  • I will never find someone like this again.
  • What’s wrong with me?
  • Will I ever have this type of connection with someone else?

Sure you will.

This is just your brain playing mind games because now that they are out of reach, you want them more than ever.

The strategy is to remember that the more you focus on your own life today, the better your chances are tomorrow.

today not tomorrow

Here’s why:

Do you really believe that you would be feeling this way if you guys were together today? Eh, I highly doubt that.

By employing the same strategy and being less available, your ex will DESIRE you too.

In the meantime, showing them that you are out and having fun is a lot more attractive than if you are down and sad about what happened.

You want to portray an attractive you that’s BUSY, PASSIONATE, TAKES CARE OF THEMSELVES, VALUES THEIR TIME, etc.

Picture yourself as James Bond for a moment.

james bond

What would he do? Think he would go and try to convince a woman to give him another chance? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

He knows his worth.

So, how do you create that?

The EASIEST way is to become an attractive man all over again.

When you break down all these tactics, we are essentially creating that image, but to create long term effects, you must employ the behaviors and lifestyle of someone that is attractive.

We want long term change, not short term. That’s the difference between true love and those that know how to get your ex back vs. short term love.

Pretty simple when you think about it, right?

So why is it so friggin’ hard to DO?!?!

Here’s what you do…

Action steps

  • If you get a text or call on a Friday or Saturday night, don’t answer them. Whether you are in the no contact period or not, I would avoid answering those till the next day, but if you must reply be concise and to the point. You should be out and having fun on the weekend, not giving the impression you are waiting around for them.
  • Let them send the last text last most of the time.
  • Focus on your work, your hobbies, your passions. Who are YOU really?
  • Avoid using question marks all the time in your texts because a question implies that an answer is needed. What’s the theme here that we have been discussing? Don’t be needy.

Step 9 was about the psychology of attraction, what it is, and how to execute it. But what do you do if during the next 3 weeks your ex suddenly contacts you? That’s Step 10.

Step 10: What to do if your ex girlfriend contacts you during the no contact period

decision to make

If your ex contacts you, you will want to make sure that you are taking control of the situation and the conversation.

THIS IS A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY.

Do not just profess your love or jump at the opportunity to talk to them all night long even though I know you can.

If they contact you, your behavior isn’t JUST the words that you are going to say to your ex in response, it’s the strength behind them.

If your ex has told you that your relationship isn’t going to work, that you guys shouldn’t be together, then really you owe them…

…N O T H I N G.

Remember this and remind yourself of the pain you have endured thus far.

If you get a call or text from them, enjoy it.

Let it settle in and let it REMIND you that they still want you and that they miss you. Overall, in this scenario, the more mysterious you can be, the more attractive you end up being.

Here’s why:

You want to dictate the boundaries of the conversation when they reach out to you. By showing that you don’t need them, you EQUAL the playing field and diminish their source of power.

Let me show you why:

Pretend for a moment that you are 5 years old.

You want to go to the yard and play with your friends. The slide is where you always go at recess. Except there’s something stopping you.

Michael. The school BULLY.

He tells you if you can come to the school yard and play or if you can’t. Right now, he has power and dictates your happiness.

But after a lot of bullying, YOU DECIDE, you don’t give a shit about going to the yard. So now what does Michael have?

Nothing.

His power is gone because what you did care about, you don’t care about any longer. Make sense?

Equaling the playing field will give your ex the feeling of missing you. If they do contact you by phone or text, let it go and don’t pick up or respond.

And allow them to contact you again.

Let their momentum build up. You are not being fake here, you simply are not engaging in conversation with them.

If they somehow call you out on your behavior, then tell them that you were busy.

Notice that by their anger or asking why you are being fake just validates even more that they still have strong emotions for you.

You should recognize this instantly and realize you are slowly gaining ground.

Action steps

  • Maintain discipline in this scenario if they do contact you.
  • Dictate the boundaries of the conversation and be proactive.

Step 10 was about what to do if your ex contacts you as well as how to communicate with them. Let’s dig deeper into this and cover some responses they may give you as well as what you should say in return. That’s Step 11.

Step 11: How to respond to your ex girlfriends texts during no contact

How did she contact you: Hi, I miss you, Can we talk?, or was it a late night text/call?

Hi

HELL NO. Don’t respond to that.

What in the world do they want? I’ll tell you…your attention.

They don’t want you, yet they are just fishing to see if they still got you.

They could be lonely, having a bad day, etc., and want to see if you can provide some comfort or even worse — entertainment.

Here’s why I wouldn’t respond:

Your ex just told you that they don’t want to be with you, so you have no obligations to respond at all. Let their text remind you that they still like you and that they are remembering that they want you.

Engaging in these texts is very tempting, but the problem is that responding to these places you in a very reactive state. You need to be proactive, not reactive (more on this later).

Action steps:

  • Don’t respond to a small breadcrumb like this.
  • Remind yourself of how good it feels to see them still WANT you.

I miss you

You can respond, but it should be after a few hours to a day OR at least be a stark difference than when you normally would respond.

Here’s why:

You don’t want to make it appear as if you are just waiting by the phone for them to contact you.

That’s lame sauce.

You should answer only when it’s good for YOU, and take precaution to control the boundaries of the conversation. Did your ex jump at every opportunity to reply to your text or calls?

Nope.

So you shouldn’t feel responsible either.

You can simply respond with something like:

“Hi, I saw that you [called/texted/emailed] me, been really busy. Hope you’re well!”

What this does:

You are not engaging them in conversation, and you aren’t asking any questions, but you aren’t upset?

You are being pleasant.

This is a STRONG COMBINATION, one that most people don’t have enough self-control to accomplish. It’s a very powerful technique if you can use it correctly.

Action steps

  • Take control of the situation.
  • Don’t be tempted to jump back into a relationship again.

Can we talk?

If you get this text/call, your ex could either be seriously regretting their decision or they just may want to see if they have you on a leash.

It’s cool to respond, but be cautious and don’t show more emotion than they do. That’s the key.

Less is more.

Here’s why:

Acting casual and showing that you are OK is unpredictable.

This is what separates those that get their ex back and those that continue to chase.

If they do want you back, make sure you don’t just start a relationship again. Be hesitant for your own reasons, even if you don’t have any.

Let’s look at 2 ways to handle this.

Here’s the incorrect way:

 

EX: Can we talk?

YOU: Sure what’s up

EX: I’ve been doing some thinking and I’m ready to try this again

YOU: Ok me too. When? I want to see you.

Here’s the correct version:

EX: Can we talk?

YOU: Sure what’s up

EX: I’ve been doing some thinking and I’m ready to try this again

YOU: Ok, but how do I know things will be different? I don’t want to get back together just to break up again. I want to [insert what you want in the relationship]. How can we work on this together?

See how you are OK with trying again, but hesitant? This is what will make you valuable and more importantly shows that you respect yourself.

Getting back into something right away shows that you NEED them and can’t live without them. They may not be able to articulate it, but they WANT someone that can live without them.

Feel free to use the script above and mold it to your wants and relationship. The point of this is for you to realize your value and not lower it for anyone. It’s bigger than getting your ex back, it’s about self-respect.

The last thing you want to do is be one of those couples that changes their relationship status on Facebook 1,893,722 times per year.

We all have a few of those.

Action steps

  • Stay strong.
  • Respect yourself and what you stand for. When you are learning how to get your ex back, it’s easy to be confused and at times lose respect for yourself. Don’t.

The late night drunk call/text

If your ex calls you when they are intoxicated, then it’s a sign that they still have feelings for you, BUT that doesn’t mean they want you back.

You should be very CAREFUL about what you say to them when they call you or text you drunk. They could confess their love to you that night, then all of a sudden be COLD the next day.

Don’t be surprised if they flip the switch like that.

Any drunk calls/texts from your ex should be received with caution.

I don’t recommend that you answer or respond if it’s within the no contact period, but if you do because it was a blocked call or whatever, make sure you don’t talk about your feelings under any circumstance.

It doesn’t matter how much they ask you, “If you still love them,” you should not reply.

Just a simple, “You are drunk and I don’t want to talk about it right now.” is good enough.

You never know what could be the reason for the late night call/text. What you should realize is that something reminded them of you or something happened and they missed you.

Don’t blow things out of proportion and think that all of a sudden you are getting them back. That is a mistake.

We all make emotionally based decisions from time to time, and that’s what that is.

An emotional decision. Could it mean more? Maybe. Could it mean less? Maybe.

Stay on the game plan and follow the steps, but it’s a good sign that they did reach out to you, possibly even better than them reaching out to you during the day.

No matter what… just don’t confess your love to them, or get into a conversation about feelings when they are drunk. It will only make them realize the next day that you are still not over them and that they still have you.

Got it?

Action steps

  • Take it as a good sign, but don’t get overly excited.
  • Be cautious.
  • Stay true to the guide even if right now you don’t think you fully know how to get your ex back with all that’s happened.

Step 11 was about what to respond to your ex during no contact. What if they don’t contact you at all? What do you say then when no contact is over? That’s Step 12.

Step 12: How to get your ex back fast by text message

Imagine this:

You are standing in the middle of a group conversation with several people.

Someone in the group is talking, then does a double-take, looks at you and says, “Wow! [INSERT YOUR NAME], You look phenomenal today. Your style is impeccable!”

What is your immediate feeling?

Actually envision it. How do you feel?

I bet you feel pretty good. You just got a juicy compliment. But it wasn’t that it was just a compliment, it was a compliment about you. They noticed something about you and how you look.

My other guess is that you would be smiling, too. You would enjoy EVERY SECOND of that moment and I don’t blame you.

My point: The easiest way to get your attention is to talk about the most interesting thing in the world to you which is…

YOU.

Nothing in this world gets our attention more than things that have to do with our lives.

When you initiate contact with your ex, I would recommend that (1) you text them and (2) you make sure the discussion is about THEM.

You want your conversation with them to be upbeat, light, and you want it to be valuable. This is important and the overall theme of ALL your conversations from here on out.

No negativity. EVER!

Had a bad day? I don’t give a shit. Tell a friend about it, not your ex.

Here’s why that’s important:

Texting allows you to prepare your responses exactly how you want, and it gives the impression that you are not desperately waiting for them to respond back to you.

If you call and get asked a question that you’re not prepared to answer, you could slip and say the wrong thing.

The strategy behind what you say is that you want to remind your ex that you know them deeply, and that you shared something with them.

More importantly, you are communicating something of value to them.

Your ex probably still thinks highly of you, it has just been obstructed by the fights and miscommunication that you have had that caused a rift in the relationship.

When it’s time to initiate contact, you could say this:

“Hey I just got back from INSERT PLACE and I saw they had your favorite INSERT “SHOES/CLOTHING” on sale, thought I would let you know. Hope all is well!”

OR

“I was just at INSERT NAME OF BAR/PLACE, and somebody ordered INSERT EX’S FAV DRINK/DISH. I remembered when INSERT SPECIFIC MEMORY. Anyway, have a nice day.”

If you call or reach their voicemail:

“Hey, I thought you might be busy, I only have a few minutes, but I just saw INSERT PLACE/PERSON and it made me think of you. I gotta run, hope you are well!”

OR

“Hey I just noticed the concert you like is in the area, thought you might like to know, hope everything is good!”

In your conversation with them don’t say, “It made me think about you.”

Instead say, “I knew it was something that would interest you.”

See how this is a lot less needy? It shows that you know them on a DEEPER level that bypasses their conscious mind and goes straight to their subconscious.

Yes, just like the movie Inception.

One last critical point is to not make this conversation long and drag it out.

What this does:

By employing this strategy, you are subliminally telling them, “Hey I know you, and I was thinking about you.”

This sticks with their subconscious and makes them think and remember that you know them.

If you text them and they respond, make sure you don’t respond right away.

If you decide to call them and reach their voicemail, and they call you back, you should let it go to voicemail no matter what.

Because, subliminally and subconsciously, you are sending the message that you aren’t as available, and therefore more attractive.

In the first few calls/texts, you are going to be deliberate. When they call you back, you let it go to voicemail no matter what, and then in the next day or so you call/text them.

Be intentional and direct in your conversations with them.

Likewise, you set the parameters from the very beginning that you don’t have much time to talk because you want them to be wanting more of you.

The lesson here is: Whoever cares the least, controls the relationship.

Small interactions results in making them want to see you more. This is the hook to get them to get together with you.

Common question: My ex is sending me mixed signals, how do I know how they truly feel?

They are telling you one thing, but doing something else. They say they don’t want to be in a relationship, but call you up the next day anyway.

Basically, what they say they want isn’t matching their actions.

What to do:

Don’t make yourself constantly available, and pay attention more to their actions than their words. If they say they don’t want anything to do with you, and then they call you the next day, then you know where they really stand.

Action steps

  • Make yourself more desirable, by being less available.
  • Less is more, always remember that.
  • Watch Inception if you haven’t seen it, it’s one of my all time favorites.

Step 12 was about re-initiating contact with your ex after 3 weeks. What do you do when they respond? That’s Step 13.

Step 13: What to say to your ex when she texts you back

How did she reply: she didn’t text me back, short text, or happy text?

She didn’t text me back

If your ex ignores you, that’s ok.

You want to keep the momentum flowing and try initiating with them again after a few days or up to a week. Recognize that you are building this momentum.

Here’s why:

Being angry or vindictive, asking why they didn’t text you back or call back is going to put you in a deeper hole.

You want every interaction, every emotion, feeling, etc., they have associated to you, to be ONLY positive. So often people overlook this, and this is vital to your overall success.

A NEW-POSITIVE-PLEASANT version of yourself.

In addition, creating the persona that you are just out of reach is attractive and motivating.

It’s the feeling that you can almost grasp something, but you aren’t quite there. This is the aura that you want to create for yourself.

Don’t argue with them OR ask them why they are ignoring OR why they have changed. This is all kid’s stuff.

Would James Bond ask how come you didn’t return you call? Fuck no. He’d go home to women waiting on his doorstep.

You want to maintain respect for yourself throughout your communication. If they keep ignoring, then that’s up to you to decide how much you want to pursue.

Action steps

  • It’s easy to turn to social media when they don’t reply to your text, but I would warn you not to do that. It will drive you mad.
  • Always provide value and positivity in conversations.

It was a short text

If your ex responded short or cold, it’s better than no response at all, but you don’t want to go more in the negative.

You may have been in a position 3 weeks ago when they weren’t even returning your calls or texts. So regardless of what they say or how they respond, you always want every interaction with them to be fun, light, and upbeat.

My guess is that if they aren’t dating someone new, they could be upset about something.

It’s ok to ask if they are upset and if you did something wrong, but then you should apologize quickly, show you understand them, and move on quickly.

The conversation may go something like:

EX: No. (Their short text to something you said)

YOU: Are you mad?

EX: Yes and you know why

YOU: Listen, you have every right to be mad about [INSERT WHATEVER THE REASON IS]. I made some mistakes and I know I did. I can imagine it made you feel [INSERT HOW IT MADE THEM FEEL]. I apologize and I won’t let that happen again.

EX: Ok thanks for saying that

See how crisp, direct, and clear that is? No bs. JUST REAL.

Did you notice the key phrase I said though?

I imagine.

See, it’s one thing to say…”I know how you feel” AND It is a totally different thing to say, “I imagine it made you feel like ABC.”

That’s pro shit.

This shows you UNDERSTAND them and what they went through. So many times during miscommunication things are said and people don’t get each other. There’s confusion.

Especially through texting!

By putting yourself in their shoes you cut right through that noise and go to the heart of the problem.

Saying you imagine followed by the feeling it would have made them felt, will show them that you understand.

This is empathy.

Here’s why:

Don’t expect your ex to all of a sudden give you the world because you decided to change after the break up.

Women want to be valued all the time, not JUST after the break up. When you first met your ex, you may have initially felt a physical attraction, but to develop emotion, to develop care, took time. This is a slow process and one that can’t be made up.

Action steps

  • In conversations to the point where they become boring.
  • Read more about empathy if you are unsure about it.

Happy text

You can’t expect a better case than this. If your ex is engaged and is attempting to continue the conversation, then things are working in your favor.

However, what you want to remember is that you must still dictate the boundaries and not get caught up in the excitement, just because they are responding. Maintain discipline throughout your engagement, especially in the first few conversations with them.

Here’s why:

If you jump on the opportunity to keep the conversation flowing continuously with your ex again, you don’t show strength and mysteriousness.

You show…that you are the same person.

You should end some of the early conversations in a positive and pleasant manner without coming off as rude. If you do, then you are well on your way to turning the power in your direction.

It shows that you are busy with YOUR LIFE.

Eventually, as you progress, you can mix things up to keep your ex guessing, but early on, you are deciding how long the conversations should be.

Action steps

  • Enjoy the moment.
  • Don’t fall into the trap of making them more important than YOURSELF.
    Continue to keep the conversations all positive.

Step 13 was about tactical responses. Next up is getting them to meet with you, but how do you do it? What do you say? Here’s where the magic kicks in. Step 14.

Step 14: How to ask your ex girlfriend on a date with you

Once your ex is responding and engaging with you, within the first few conversations you are going to want to ask them out, but it’s important how you frame this, so you look DESIRABLE.

You are not going out of your way for them. Remember, you have changed. You aren’t who you used to be.

With that in mind, you could say something like:

“Hey, I saw that you [CALLED/TEXTED], I have a couple minutes before I go to [INSERT A PLACE] how’s it going? Let’s catch up later.”

Let’s catch up later.

That’s the hook to get them to meet you.

If they take the hook: Then you obviously accept, buy me a brew, and call it a day! Kidding.

If they don’t take the hook: Then give it a few days to a week and try again. You are building this re-attraction and it may not come that easy depending on a number of variables.

You can just follow up later in the same fashion:

“Hey listen, I got a couple minutes, I was going to have a [DRINK/COFFEE/TEA] at [INSERT PLACE] I only got about an hour, thought you might like to come.”

Notice how you aren’t asking them a question? You are making a statement. You aren’t waiting for their approval.

Also, did you notice what I said there?

“Thought you might like to come,” is different and less needy than saying, “I was wondering if you wanted to come?”

That’s being PROACTIVE, not REACTIVE. I’m not reacting to anything they are saying. I’m going to that place regardless of whether they accept or decline.

See the difference?

Here’s why:

You are framing the conversation, yet you are not complementing their schedule. They are complementing yours.

Throughout this process, you want to make sure you are building desire and not showing neediness AT ALL.

“I tried this and none of it worked?”

If they don’t accept your offer even after the follow-up, then you can continue to use these principles, strategies, and methods, and eventually they may work.

But at this point the question is, how long are you willing to try and spend energy to see if it does?

If you followed this guide, then you have successfully re-created an attractive and a confident you all over again, and you have put your best self forward.

You have changed and learned a lifelong skill.

BUT if there isn’t any reciprocation from your ex, then, after a while… the only thing left to do is for you to become someone you are not in order to attract and satisfy them.

Look, my ultimate goal is to help you get the relationship you want and deserve. However, if you change yourself, then you end up losing respect for yourself in the process.

What will happen in your next relationship? And the one after that?

That decision to keep pursuing when there’s no response is for you to decide. I can’t make that call for you.

On the other hand, don’t be surprised if your ex does contact you eventually after a period of time.

Sometimes people are extra reluctant and stubborn to get back into something that hurt them in the past, and everyone reacts differently to certain situations based on how they were raised, past relationships, timing, etc.

Action steps

  • Stay light and upbeat during the interaction.
  • Frame the conversation and get them to meet you.

Step 14 was about asking them out. Once that’s done, you need to behave in a way that’s attractive. That’s Step 15.

Step 15: How to get your ex back when you see them for the first time

I’m a HUGE Seinfeld fan in case you didn’t know.

There’s one episode in particular where George, one of the leading actors, finds out that if he leaves conversations at their PEAK, people don’t want to see him leave.

When I first saw this at the age of 13, I didn’t think much of it.

Years later I saw it again and found it super interesting. “Could this really work?” I thought to myself. I’m always looking for easy frameworks to apply to life, this was one of them.

Here’s the clip:

It’s a great episode.

This is the exact aura you want to give off to your ex. Positive, Playful, Pleasant. I call it the Three P’s.

Now, when you have the date set, and you are going to meet your ex for the first time with the goal of winning back your ex.

The key is that you are only going to want to spend a limited amount of time with them while using the Three P’s.

From my experience and discussions I’ve had with students around the world, the window to hang out with them is around 30-45 min. Of course, this depends on your proximity to them, etc. Use your own judgement.

My goal though is to not have you wear out your welcome.

As hard as that is, and although it goes against what you want, this is very powerful psychologically.

Another thing I want you to do is buy some new clothes. A new shirt and jeans is great. Doing this brings a POWERFUL subtle distinction.

You see, when something changes in the life of someone we know, it arouses curiosity.

So, if you show up in an outfit they have seen you wear ten times, it’s just… MEH.

But if you show up wearing something new, then it gives the impression INSTANTLY that there’s something that’s changed about you.

WE WANT THIS.

It’s almost as if your ex-girlfriend is meeting a BRAND NEW PERSON and psychologically that’s the way that it works.

“What does this Seinfeld episode have to do with the topic of how to get my ex back, Payam?”

You always want to keep your ex wanting more of you. That is why you are only going to want to spend a limited time with them.

Hanging around and waiting for them to tell you, “It’s getting late, I should get going,” is letting them dictate the date.

This is being reactive, not proactive. You can’t let this happen.

Of course, there are exceptions, and if you guys are hitting it off then you can stay longer, but just be aware of this and make sure you are calling the shots.

Plus, when the date ends and you are leaving, no matter how it went, you don’t mention to them about hanging out again.

You WAIT for them to initiate that.

If they do, you can say, “Oh, sure let’s figure something out.”

If your ex jumped at the opportunity to be with you again, would that be attractive?

It wouldn’t because they are making it too easy for you and that isn’t exciting. That’s why you shouldn’t jump at the opportunity to hang out with them, either.

At the same time, if you were a douchebag during the relationship, now is the time to bring it up, but you do so and then you immediately move on.

For example:

“There were times during the relationship that I could have treated you a lot better and I didn’t. I just wanted to apologize and let you know you deserve the best.”

Once you mention whatever you need to say, you move on and don’t dwell on it. This shows that not only are you mature and OWNING up to your mistakes, but you have the strength and confidence to bring it up and move on.

Assuming you are a male reading this, how often do men own up to their mistakes? It’s rare so doing so carries weight.

Now, if you find that the date isn’t going well, then you should immediately come up with an excuse and get the HELL OUT OF THERE.

You still may be able to salvage your relationship if you exit when it’s going downhill, but once a boulder starts going downhill for a period of time, it’s almost impossible to stop.

To be clear, if you sense any negative energy at all GET OUT.

If you wait it out till the end, and it just isn’t going well, then they aren’t likely to see you again.

Which means one thing.

Step 15 was about your behavior. Controlling it, managing it, and putting yourself in the best position to be an attractive person. There’s one problem. How do we know if she’s enjoying the date as much as we are? She might not tell us, but there’s a way. Step 16.

Step 16: How to get your ex back on the date

Using the all the tactics at your disposal will put you in a good position, but remember above all to be yourself. I can’t stress enough how important that is.

Now, if you read this far and still have questions, you can contact me personally and I’ll do my very best to point you in the right direction.

…BUT if you want to put yourself in the best position to become LITERALLY IRRESISTIBLE when you see her, that’s an option, too.

I’m talking about understanding your ex on a level men can only DREAM of. This isn’t some scammy trick either. No manipulative non-sense. No one-liners.

This is information backed by science.

It’s my official guide on body language that includes the top 10 scientific signals someone shows when they are attracted to you.

It’s like building a house. You can pick out all the fancy lighting, furniture, etc. but if you don’t have a solid foundation, it will crumble — and so will your relationship.

Action steps

Get the guide here or contact me if you want one on one advice from me, PERSONALLY.

Best of luck,
Payam