How to Approach a Girl in 3 Brilliant Steps (If You Suck at Openers)

Post after post, it appeared that Luis’s friends effortlessly knew how to approach a girl and meet beautiful women.

He blamed his lack of success all on his looks.

“I’m a hideous fucking chud. I have no chance on dating apps or meeting women in person until I fix that shit as much as possible. The person that is most physically appealing will win.”

There’s a lot wrong with that statement.

Look, worrying about your physical appearance is important, but it is insignificant in comparison to your model of the world. Your world view.

The same goes for stressing over what to say, how to open, or ruminating over “small talk.”

Have you ever wondered why sometimes the ugliest dudes get the HOTTEST women?

Well, here is their secret. It is their attitude.

Your attitude is the beginning of transformation

Take, for example, building a one-story house.

red house

You can focus on the double-paned windows, honey oak doors, and exterior paint color, but if the foundation your house sits on sucks balls, your house will plunge to pieces.

Understanding this is MONUMENTAL to your improvement.

Because I can give you the openers to use when you approach women (I’ll give you one later), but it doesn’t matter if you punish yourself after every failure. And there will be many.

Gut wrenching shyness was common during my teenage years.

I was paralyzed speaking to strangers and always thought that women hated getting hit on.

Nonetheless, I embarked on the adventure to confront my fears with one rule in mind: Work through this issue, but never change who I am.

adventure

When I looked around for advice, all I could find were bs blog posts telling me to, “just be myself” or “you’ll find someone one day.”

There wasn’t practical advice for the real world and that’s when I decided I’ll figure it out on my own.

So, I began approaching women and intentionally met discomfort face to face. This is when my confidence started to improve dramatically.

Facing your fears is your foundation on how to approach a girl you don’t know. You must accept that discomfort is directly correlated with your success.

The more uncomfortable you are, the quicker you will see results. Click to Tweet!

Infographic on discomfort
Discomfort and confidence are related

Want more dates? Face discomfort. Want to stay the same? Do nothing.

If that is not your cup of tea, this post likely won’t be for you. Feel free to close this article and download Tinder, Ketchup, Pancake, or whatever attempting-to-be-clever-one-word bozo dating app there is these days.

In fact, some of what I’m about to share may shock you if you have not attempted to get out of your shell.

There, I said it. I gave you fair warning, cool? Cool.

PHEW!

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s look at the nucleus of this frustrating problem.

Technology is making you antisocial

When we need to do something, what do we do?

Pull out our iPhone or Android, tap on the reminder app with our index finger, insert a note, put it back in our front jean pocket, and we are done. Or we talk to a speaker in the corner of our living room and ask “it” to remind us of granular tasks.

“Hey Alexa, remind me in 5 minutes to eat. Thanks!”

amazon echo
“No problem Payam, I’ll remind you to eat.”

Our complex brains have taken a back seat, and this problem is getting worse. Click to Tweet!

The best clip on the impact of technology on our mental health (4 min)

I know, I know. You are probably thinking, “Payam, this is just your opinion. You sound like a real schmucky right now.”

How about we go to the largest database and collection of human emotion on the planet? Dr. Google.

Have a look at the first 5 phrases people are typing:

google results
What the public is feeling

Worse? Sick?! CRAZY?! This is revealing stuff.

Society — including me — rely on our devices too much. It’s stupid. What’s stupider is that this addiction to technology, has led us to suffer from amnesia with the basic things in life.

Like, how to approach a girl.

“Talk to the girl in the elevator? Are you nuts, I don’t know her.”

NO, OF COURSE NOT! What do you do instead?

You angle your head down 45 degrees and gaze at some blonde girl’s tits on Instagram. Like a statue.

blonde girl
1 of 17 million bajillion Instagram models

Maybe that pretty girl in the bronze elevator could have been your next girlfriend, a great business connection, or someone who MADE YOUR DAY.

But instead you were concerned about Sara on Instagram. Some chick you never met, but are following because she has a nice rack.

Listen, fuck Sara.

Here’s the thing: I’m not a jackass, I’m upfront and blunt because I believe it’s the algorithm to change.

My gut is telling me that this is a genuine problem that many of you want to fix, but are not sure how because of your view of the world.

I want to give you three steps on how to approach a girl that will help you comprehend it, how I do.

Step 1: Do the opposite of what you want to do

step 1

There’s an episode of Seinfeld I ABSOLUTELY LOVE.

George Costanza, one of the fictional characters, approaches a woman he does not know by doing the opposite of what he wants to do.

Instead of sitting at the cafe booth doing nothing with his two friends, he decides to get up and say one of the most memorable lines in the history of Seinfeld.

Click play below to watch.

“My name is George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”

When you see an attractive girl, instead of doing nothing and walking right past her, do the opposite and approach her.

Training your mind to automatically do the opposite is something you probably already do, yet don’t even realize it.

  • Ever go to Equinox Fitness when you didn’t feel like it? Opposite.
  • Eat a boring, healthy kale salad when you wanted a juicy grilled cheese sandwich instead? Opposite.
  • Go to work when you wanted to watch another episode of Game of Thrones? Opposite.

You already have the mental strength to do the opposite, just pivot it towards approaching a girl.

Worried about what to say? We’ll get to that, but first, we need to defeat your arch nemesis.

Step 2: Destroy the villains

step 2

As you begin the initial approach, you will start hesitating and doubting yourself with an army of what-ifs.

I call these hesitations, “villains.” They don’t want you to succeed and are holding you back.

villains
Villains

What if she doesn’t like me…

What if she says no when I ask her out…

What if… [INSERT YOUR OTHER BULLSHIT EXCUSE]

Isn’t it funny how you never have good thoughts? They are all ULTRA-NEGATIVE.

Let’s unpack the most common what-ifs.

This should provide you an array of prepared mental comebacks when you face those villains head on.

you vs villains

What if she says she has a boyfriend?

So what? You gave it a shot and saw that you could approach a girl. Did you think every girl you talk to would be single? Some will be in relationships and that is expected.

What if they don’t want me to talk to them?

Who told you this? This is you (or whoever told you) creating a justification and excuse for not approaching a girl. Sure, some may not want to be bothered, but if that’s the case you might as well never talk to a stranger again in your life.

What if I look weird?

What good is it to be normal? And what is normal anyways? Some of the biggest improvements in our civilization have been due to people that think differently.

What if I’m clueless about women?

Who cares? What’s funny is that she will likely find it cute and authentic. Those traits are hard to find these days, which means you actually have an advantage. See how easy it is to reframe?

What if I look creepy?

What does that even mean? Nothing is creepy about walking up to a woman you find attractive and saying hello. If anything, it is impressive and admirable. You are the author of all these stories and beliefs.

What if she rejects me?

Then know that with every attempt you make, that feeling will subside. You become immune to it. Just like Batman did with his fear of bats. (Yes, I used a superhero analogy.)

What if I feel shitty after?

You learn to ride a bicycle by falling and making mistakes. You learn your job by making mistakes. The only way to learn is to go out there and make mistakes. If that means you feel shitty, so be it. The grass is greener on the other side.

What if other people watching think I look stupid?

What did you have for dinner on this day a week ago? If you didn’t answer this within seconds, then they won’t remember you.

What if they don’t seem excited?

If they don’t share as much enthusiasm, that’s cool. Maybe they are having a bad day. Or maybe they just spilled coffee on themselves 7 minutes ago.

It’s easy to assume the worst when things don’t work out, but you gain nothing by beating yourself up. Start assuming the best for a week and see what that does for you.

What if I don’t have energy to keep doing this?

Let’s start with just one person. You are worried about letter Q and haven’t gotten to A yet. Action leads to discovery.

What if they give me their number?

Buy Payam a beer and share this article 😀

What do I say after?

That comes next.

Step 3: Never worry again about what to say

step 3

By the time you get here, if you approached with confidence and destroyed the villains inside, what you say, does not matter much.

The confidence to move towards what you want, without fear — is 80% of the work.

This is why openers don’t matter.

A woman can sense your confidence a mile away from your body language.

But, since I know you might be focused solely on the opener, I’ll give you one.

For example, you could say the following:

“Hello. My name is [INSERT YOUR NAME]. I know this is random, but I thought you were super cute. How’s your day going?”

Simple and direct. You will be astonished at how receptive people are to this.

See, when you try to be super duper clever or “gamey,” it will lead to a lack of trust in her eyes, which subliminally communicates that you are not confident.

Because if you were, you would just state how you feel without reservation. The formula is backwards, fellas.

The last word on how to approach a girl

world life expectancy map
Hint: you aren’t getting younger

There’s nothing guaranteed in this life. Yours could end tomorrow. You have nothing to lose and might as well go for it.

Every day you come up with bullshit in your mind and postpone improving yourself and your confidence, you are getting older.

unknown quote
TRUTH

“Ok, but what if I get rejected and look like an idiot, Payam? That’s going to SUCK!”

Sure, it might suck.

But the harsh reality is that no one gives a shit about you as much as you think. People are busy with their own life. Their relationships, careers, goals, fears, etc.

She won’t give a shit either.

And even if she does, what does that say about her?

That she has THAT MUCH FREE TIME to remember a guy that tried to better himself and talk to her?

Personally, when I mix the three steps I outlined, I create a delicious stew of I don’t give a fuck, and this is verbatim what I tell myself milliseconds before I make the decision to approach a girl:

Life is short and I’m not getting younger. I’m gonna be dead soon and they are too, so who cares what they think. Fuck it, I’m going in.

stew
I don’t give a fuck stew

With that in mind, take a chance on something new, challenge yourself, and stop following “models” with the size of a lizard brain on Instagram. Click to Tweet!

Use today as the new starting point.

See approaching a girl from a different perspective, and make sure to feel the pavement beneath your feet through it all, because one day, you won’t be able to anymore.


If you enjoyed reading this, found it funny, or learned something useful, would you mind sharing it? Not only would it make my day, but it would make my YEAR! 😀

Also, what other what-if scenarios did I miss? Comment and let me know.

If you want to take things to the next level, make sure to download a copy of my free ebook here.

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