As I neared the street corner and turned my head to my right, every single person at the corner was frozen and glued to their phone like velcro.
Their addiction to cell phones reminded me of online dating; it has become embedded in our culture.
Dating apps are the problem
The dating world has transformed.
Humans have become objects. We rank, organize, and shuffle between our dating options like they are commodities.
Like we are sorting candy we got back from a cold night in October of trick-or-treating.
This new form of dating has lost some authenticity. We are always wondering what’s next and if there’s someone slightly better.
The worst part? We are unknowingly taking other people’s feelings for granted.
In a study from the University of Wisconsin, researchers found that daters who chose from a small pool of options were more pleased with their match than those who chose from a substantial pool.
The people that chose from a larger pool were more likely to “reverse their choice” and opt for a new match instead.
This is precisely why many women will articulate their negative thoughts about online dating by saying phrases like, “I prefer to meet someone organically” or “I would rather meet people through friends.”
They say this because online dating, specifically dating apps, has a dehumanizing impact on how we view others.
According to Esquire, as many as 40% of Americans use dating apps. As a guy, I know why the majority of men use it. It actually boils down to one sentence.
They don’t know how to talk to girls and fear getting rejected.
Dating apps are designed to avoid rejection
This fear of rejection has turned into a mouthwatering business opportunity.
With most popular dating apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc.), you only see who you matched with and dodge the people who didn’t think you were handsome or match-worthy.
If you are an introvert with social anxiety, then you know that dating apps is not the answer. They can be hit or miss, sometimes you have good luck, other times you may not get a match for months.
The user experience is designed so you will never know if Christina, the cute teller from Wells Fargo you swiped right on, is not interested in you.
While in the short term avoiding rejection may seem like the discovery of Plutonium, you are actually covering up the real issue.
Your confidence with talking to girls — in real life.
When dating apps obscure the rejection from you, you are sent an inaccurate and potentially dangerous message: You are special and everyone finds you attractive.
Except you aren’t special. You are a regular fucking dude.
This faulty message is repeated, day after day, in a viciously addictive cycle. They virtually guarantee that any notification you receive will only be about something good.
Dating apps are keen on solving a problem, that isn’t a problem at all.
Why you should want rejection
What if Michael Jordan did not get cut from his high school basketball team?
What if Steve Jobs never got fired from Apple?
What if Walt Disney did not get told that he had lacked imagination?
In any area of life, rejection, I’d argue, makes us better.
It helps you tap into your weaknesses, learn from your mistakes, turns you into a well rounded individual, provides you motivation, and instills unshakeable confidence.
Believe it or not, there was a time when guys had to meet girls prior to the internet. The scientific name for these species were referred to as “men.”
Fifty years ago, you had no choice but to gather your satchel together and showcase some bravery if you saw a beautiful woman you wanted to talk to.
Today if you get rejected, you could sign up for Tinder and be on a date in less than an hour (I’m not exaggerating).
You don’t even need “game” anymore.
I’ve seen guys at social gatherings with a wide selection of gorgeous women around them, opt to be on Tinder, instead of improving their social skills with women right next to them!
Why do you think that is? Fear of getting rejected.
How to talk to girls if you are shy or just hate rejection
As a former introverted dude, one thing I’ve learned is to continually face my fears by putting myself in more uncomfortable situations. Personally, this is when I grow at a faster rate.
I haven’t perfected this by any means, but when I do face something I’m afraid of and get over it, it doesn’t bother me as much.
For example, I like to workout, but I don’t like wearing the same pair of socks twice. It’s a silly superstition I’ve had recently. When I even think about putting on socks I wore yesterday, I go into a tiny panic mode that lasts about 6 seconds.
But once I embrace the discomfort and get over the hump, I’m good to go. Then the next time I face this weird sock scenario, it is easier. Next time gets even easier than that.
If you lift weights, then I’m sure you are already familiar with this method. If you want to get stronger, do you stay at the same weight forever? Of course not. If you did you would not see improvement.
You increase it slightly, just enough to feel a little discomfort. A principle known as progressive overload.
All you need to do is apply this same concept to your fear of rejection with talking to girls.
The 3 steps to talk to any girl (even if you are an introvert)
Step 1: Three seconds
We have two minds, one that feels, and one that thinks.
As you may have guessed, the “emotional mind” can override the “rational mind.”
Joseph E. LeDoux, an American Neuroscientist whose work overturned a lot of prevailing wisdom, declared the amygdala (the emotional mind) can have us spring to action while the slightly slower — but more fully informed — neocortex (the rational mind) unfolds its more refined plan for action.
All you need to take from this is that once you see a girl you are attracted to, approach her quickly, within three seconds, before your rational mind kicks into gear.
If you wait longer than three seconds, you will likely start making excuses about why you should not talk to her.
Step 2: Take her off the pedestal
When I was younger I was terrified of giving speeches.
I don’t remember who it was, but someone told me that I should imagine everyone in the room naked, which was supposed to help me relax.
I thought this was crazy, but when I tried it, it worked!
I could not believe it. Looking back now, my intuition is telling me that it took everyone off the pedestal. I didn’t care what they thought about me or the speech I was giving.
I want to sharpen this philosophy.
Imagine her taking a shit.
Yes, a shit.
Imagining anyone on the toilet will make them human again and remind you that you are equals.
See, you have elevated the perception that women have about you, above your own perception of yourself.
This philosophy will help you re-calibrate.
Oh, does this sound weird to do? That’s fair.
Want to know what else used to be weird? Meeting people you don’t know through the internet. The world is changing, my friend.
Step 3: Honesty is the best policy
No need for gimmicky tactics, just be straightforward. She will appreciate it.
Here’s a script you can use:
“Hey I noticed you from afar and had to come say hello. I don’t have anything clever to say, but wanted to say hi. What’s your name?”
It demonstrates confidence, authenticity, and most importantly — you are being yourself.
You aren’t pretending to be someone you are not, which is precisely what many of these pick up artists schmucks will tell you to do.
Moreover, realize that what you say isn’t as important as why you say it. Your intention and conviction is everything.
In this new digital era of self-gratification and arrogant look-at-me selfies, being authentic is like finding a diamond in the Sahara Desert. It’s ultra attractive and rare.
It’s like posting a Instagram picture and not using a filter.
It’s like making homemade guacamole and not using that powdered mix shit they sell at the supermarket.
“Classic spicy?” No thanks.
Now imagine if you weren’t honest and said something like this:
“Hey sweet thing (poor pet name to establish nicknames, dominance, and comfort), what’s good? You seem like you could be worth my time (belittling tactic) and I thought I would give you a chance (belittling tactic #2) to hang with a handsome (narcissistic) man like myself.”
You sound like an idiot.
Be real, forget the dating apps, and go practice. Even if Allen Iverson disagrees.
What happens when you talk to girls in real life
Over time you will notice that these tiny discomforts you put yourself in, compounded over time, will trickle into other areas of your life in a positive fashion.
Here are a few ways that happens:
- Your ability to think on your feet and be charismatic will rise
- Your friends and family will envy your ability to speak with people effortlessly
- You will get complimented often on your courage, even if you get rejected
- You won’t care about what people think of you and your ability to not give a fuck will rise
This new attitude may take some time to adopt, but remember that with every single person you talk to, you get a little bit better.
Everything you are good at now in life, you used to suck at.
Still scared after all of this?
Now, if you have read this far and still think this is all first-grade, hall of fame quality horse manure, that’s ok.
Allow me one more chance to convince you to put the phone down and take a chance on talking to girls without dating apps.
I’ll start by asking you a simple question.
There’s roughly four billion women on this planet. Do you think all of them find you attractive?
If you said yes: Close this article and call your doctor immediately. I can’t help you.
If you said no: This must mean that some people will reject you in person, right? What’s the big deal if one says no to your face? You already know it could be coming, you just agreed it could happen.
Sometimes all you need is a shift in perspective that will allow you to reframe what rejection means.
The way I look at it, they aren’t rejecting you personally if (1) you know in advance it could be coming and (2) no man on Earth will be approved by billions of women.
No, not even George Clooney.
Look, to be crystal clear, I’m not saying you should never use a dating app EVER AGAIN in your lifetime.
Some of you may not live near a big city, and dating apps amplifies your ability to “put yourself out there” and meet your potential partner.
That’s totally valid and I’m cool with that.
Realize, however, that staying on dating apps and not making the attempt to talk to girls in the real world literally kills your game.
By game, I’m referring to your confidence and charisma.
Your interpersonal skills. Your ability to mince words in a way that’s clever, witty, and funny. The way you carry yourself. Your aura around others that’s impervious.
You can’t get better at talking to girls by swiping on an app, just like you can’t get better at soft skills by sitting in front of a computer.
As men we all have these excuses we tell ourselves. These patterns that we run through in our head.
Every time you see someone you are attracted to, but rationalize in your mind, “It’s just not worth it – no human being is worth the misery I would go through if a woman rejected me. I’ll just swipe on a dating app,” you are hurting yourself.
Here’s the single best piece of advice I can give you: Get rejected more.
Countless things that are good for us psychologically are surprisingly counterintuitive. You don’t need tactics. You need discomfort. That’s when you grow.
Take a break from the dating apps.
Put the phone down.
Take a look around you once in a while.
You never know if the girl of your dreams, is looking right back at you.
Like this type of advice? Get my Ebook: 3 Surprising Hacks to Be More Comfortable with Women and learn the skills you weren’t born with. Click here to get it free.
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